On June 14th, it would have been my mother’s 76th birthday. As the day gets closer, the more my thoughts are of her. My mom will be gone 18 years in August and yet, I still miss her dearly.
I have the awesome privilege of coaching my daughter’s lacrosse team and it brings back so many fond memories of my mother. You see, I played field hockey, basketball and lacrosse in high school and during those years, my mom was battling cancer. She had many chemotherapy and radiation appointments plus being sick, losing her hair, losing weight and the burns from the radiation were brutal. YET, she never missed one of my games. This amazing woman put aside her pain and suffering to be there for ME. To this day, it just amazes me.
I grew up in a Pennsylvania Dutch home where we were not told “I love you”. It just wasn’t something they did. However, they showed their love to me in other ways. To this day, when I close my eyes, I can still see my mom in the stands with her wig on screaming and cheering for our team. When I messed up, she yelled even harder to shake it off. I watched this woman deteriorate day by day in her body but she always had the strength to come to my games.
I remember how she was such a part of my siblings’ lives as they got married and had their children. She would go to their homes and clean their house for them and help with the children. She cooked dinners for them and was such a part of each of their lives.
In the last few months of her life, she longed for me to just sit with her on the couch. I would come home from school and she would ask me to just lay with her and hold her. This was NOT the norm in my family and I knew that she was coming to the end. I am so thankful for those times of just being with her. We really didn’t talk but we just sat there and held each other.
I will never forget the night she died. It was a life changing moment for me. The doctor had come to the house and they told my family that it was only a matter of time. I had lied to my dad about where I was going so they were calling everyone they could to find me. You see, I was 19 years old and even though I knew my mother was dying, I still had my own agenda. Finally, I came home and there were cars all over the driveway so I knew this was it. I ran up to the house and my sister-in-law whom I was very close to at the time, came out and tried to prepare me for what was to come. She had already lost her mom so she was trying to get me ready emotionally. However, nothing could have prepared me for what was about to happen.
My mom knew that we were all there and she was talking to us. She was telling us how she would be cheering for us even though she would not be there. She would slip in and out of consciousness yet she always knew where my dad was. He was sitting beside her in the hospital bed that we had set up in the living room. When she would slip into unconsciousness, she continued to turn her head towards my dad. At one point, she asked us all to leave the room so she could be alone with my dad. Oh, how I wish I knew what she said to him but that is a moment to be left between the two of them.
Finally, my mom began to talk about seeing a light, a brilliant vibrant light that was coming for her. At first, it kind of scared her but then she smiled and said “AHHHH!” Like she finally saw who it was who had come for her. A few moments later, she breathed her last breath and was gone. We called for the undertaker to come and get her but it took hours. We sat and watched the life drain out of her body and it was a sight that I will never forget. Watching someone’s body just drain away from life was absolutely horrible.
My family rallied and we spent every moment together preparing for the funeral. It was a precious time and the closest we have ever been. It is amazing how a tragedy can bring people together in ways you never thought was possible. However, the time came for everyone to return to their homes and I was scared of being alone with my dad. My dad was not an open and loving father. He rarely talked to us and when he did, he yelled. However, after the death of my mother, he changed. Something inside my father changed. I had the privilege of going out to dinner with him, going to get ice cream, going to the movies and doing things with him I had never done. I watched this man change before my eyes. I grew a bond with my father that was close and he became not only my daddy but he became my best friend.
Over the years, I have missed my mother being at my wedding, the birth of my daughters, me graduating from paralegal school, the building of our home etc. She has missed events of my life that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she would have been participating in with everything she had.
Through all of this, God has taught me so much about who I am and who He is. God has become my source of strength when the pain is so deep that I can’t even raise my head from my pillow. God has become my life line and the love of my life. God took the worse days of my life to use them to draw me closer to Him. He used them to show me who He truly is and how He truly sees me. A couple of times people have said to me “If there is a God, why would He have taken your mother from you at such a young age?” My response to them is this: God did not take my mother away. Nothing bad can come from God. Evil is not a part of Him. He is holy and just. Did God allow my mother to have cancer? Yes, He did. But God is all knowing and all powerful. He knows the plans for our lives before there was one day. He is my creator and the creator of all. God used the death of my mother and what happened that night to change the lives of others. God used her story to turn others to Him. I have witnessed it myself first hand. So how can I be angry at God when He took a horrible thing and turned it into something that would bring Him glory and honor?
This year my father is turning 77 and he is turning into a grumpy PA dutchy! Just being honest! He doesn’t want to leave his home and he doesn’t want to do anything. But you know what? He’s my daddy! I am thankful that God allows me to see my father in a whole different light. When my dad goes to buy birthday cards for his children, he spends so much time reading cards because he wants to pick that special one just for them. They are always cards filled of love and joy about his children. That’s his way of saying I love you. God has allowed me to see my father in a way that allows me to search for those precious signs of how he shows his love. My dad pulls out the sports section for my one brother because he knows how much he loves to keep track of teams. That’s him showing his love. I am grateful that God has given to me such an amazing mother and father that helped mold and create me to be the woman I am today.
God used the death of my mother to turn my life around. Since the age of 19, I have turned my life fully over to Him. Have I made mistakes? You bet I have!!!! Have I fallen short? Yes indeed. Is God still working on changing me to be more like Jesus? Yes!! I am a work in progress. But the truths that I have learned over the years are priceless. I know that God created me in my mother’s womb. I know that God knew me before the creation of the world. I know God choose me to be holy and blameless in His sight. I know when God looks at me He does not see a sinner but He sees His daughter covered by the blood of Jesus. I know that one day, I will be able to dance before Jesus and sing praise unto Him. And you know what? I know my mother will be there with me dancing along! She is free of cancer and free of worries because she is with the one true King of Kings!
